And you know it.

That's why I refuse to listen to anything you've got to say.

I'm tired of trying to separate the truth from your lies.

For the past few weeks, I've been seeing you lonely and I always wondered why. I acted as if I don't care but I do. And it was weird.

I've thought of doing something for you to see a smile on your face but you never called me. You were persistent in keeping our distance so I can't really do anything. Then comes your birthday - a perfect opportunity. I've thought of giving you a little surprise.

I left a gift outside your house, with nothing but the message of "Happy Birthday!" hurriedly written across the card. I intended never to sign the card since I don't want any issues coming out about the two of us. It was too late, however, when I realized that my handwriting alone blew up my cover.

Nonetheless, I placed the gift there and waited. I never got a reply nor an acknowledgment that the gift was received. Nothing, not even a single text message. For the whole day, I've waited, I've listened hard but nothing came.

The day is coming to an end. Six more hours and the day I've planned on making special for you would be over. I know I have to do something, and I did. I invited you to watch the fireworks.

6:00 pm

6:30 pm

7:00 pm

7:30 pm

Suddenly, the night sky was filled by a shower of bright and colorful lights. I stood there, transfixed. For a few moments, I was captivated, I was breathless, and I forgot everything about you. An experience of a momentary bliss.

As the last of the lights faded into the darkness, my hopes for that day faded away as well. Anything about you never did any good to me, I've remembered. I started walking home, erasing the disappointment and dismay in my mind. I've already done what I could but to no avail. It's such a shame that I wasn't able to see you smile on your special day.

~*~*~*~*~

Then the next day came. It turns out that people around us knew that it came from me. I knew that my handwriting gave me away, and they confirmed that. After all, I'm the only one who writes that way.

You've received the gift and I was relieved in hearing that. But  you haven't opened it yet, they told me. I wondered why. They said you weren't so ecstatic about the gift and it got me into thinking that you didn't like the idea of receiving anything from me, let alone a gift.

I didn't really care. If you don't really like the gift, you might as well send it back to me so I can give it to someone whom I believe will appreciate it more than you could.

After all, I just want to make you smile, even just for your birthday.

See how time flies. I barely noticed that we’ve been seeing each other almost everyday for a month now, and I’m not making a big deal out of it compared to how I was last summer. Funny isn’t it?

Still I wonder what you are thinking right now – your thoughts about yourself, about her, about me, about us. Yes, about us. No matter how hard I try to act as if I don’t care about you anymore, my subconscious ego tells me otherwise. For the past few weeks, I’ve been having dreams of things that once were but will never ever be. And I know it isn’t really helping.

I know I should get on with my life. That’s what everyone’s saying and that’s what I’m trying to do. But still, your mere presence makes it difficult for me, and the promise I gave you makes it harder. Now that I’ve mentioned it, I was thinking if I made the right choice when I promised you that I’ll be with you through it all, that I’ll be a friend you can rely on. If I had known by then that it would be an emotional suicide, I would’ve refused right then and there.

But still, here I am, offering a shoulder you can cry on. And yes, you did cry. You cried your heart out, cried as if the world had turned its back on you. I was there, and I couldn’t do something about it. It breaks my heart as I listen to your sniffles, as I watch those tears fall from your puffy eyes. I couldn’t say anything; I couldn’t do anything to comfort you. All I can think of was if ever you were mine, I would never let those tears fall yet, you chose her. It hurts because it was your choice. You chose to cry for her, you chose to be pained by her, and I have no right to change that. But you know what broke my heart entirely, when you told me that you’re using me right in front of my face, that you cried to me because you thought I have the answers to all your questions, that you thought I could explain to you why she acted that way. I was dumbfounded when you stood up, paid for the coffee we’re drinking, and walked out. Then it dawned upon me, something I have known all along but still refuses to accept. You never really cared for me, not even once. You took me for granted all along. You never even asked yourself why I was there, why I was doing all those things for you, why I stood up for you regardless of how much it pains me to hear you sing out your love for her.

Once in a while, I’m quite thankful you never asked that. I don’t even know the answer myself. It is a big mystery for everyone how I am able to talk to you decently, to treat you not just a human being but a friend. After all, with all the things you’ve done to me, all the pains you’ve brought to me, I have all the right to kill you and still get away with it, and still I chose not to.

“’Pag ‘di ka mahal ng taong mahal mo, ‘wag kang magagalit. Kasi may mga tao rin na mahal na mahal ka pero hindi mo sila makuhang mahalin. Kaya kwits lang.”

These are words I’m trying to live by. I try to think that life isn’t really fair and I have to deal with it. It’s weird but I find it easier to have my heart stop beating for you than wish every now and then that someday, you’ll be able to reciprocate my feelings. So now I hope you understand by now why I’m avoiding you for these past few weeks. I have to stand by what I have chosen – putting the past where it should be and reach out for the future. I know it’s been confusing and frustrating for your part but believe me, it’s the best for both of us. After all, you never cared for me so why be bothered by my leaving? Just be thankful that I would forever be out of your life.

I’m not bitter, and I’m not mad. I’m just so sick of this fucked-up fiasco, and it’s because I know that I don’t want to close the curtain yet. It’s not just because of you, but the people around us as well. If you haven’t noticed, they’re already fed-up of our constant bickering and intertwined emotional problems, and I don’t want them to bear the pain with us. I gave my best to patch our group that was on the brink of falling apart, and I can’t stand to create another rift just because of my selfishness.

Out of these eight paragraphs, you might ask yourself what was I’m trying to say all along. Even I don’t know the answer myself. All I know is that these are the things inside my head that I’d have wanted to tell straight to you. I know I couldn’t do it now, not even tomorrow, nor for the next ten years or so. But still, deep inside me, I’m wishing that someday, somehow, you’ll stumble upon here and read everything, and by that time, I’m so over you.

"Magkahawak ang ating kamay at walang kamalay-malay
Nang tinuruan mo ang puso ko nang umibig nang tunay."

Ganyan tayo dati. Magkahawak kamay at walang kamalay-malay, masaya sa mundong magkasama nating binuo. Para tayong mga bata, walang pakialam sa nakaraan at hindi inaaalala ang kinabukasan. Nabubuhay tayo sa ating kasalukuyan.

Sabi nila, masarap magmahal at mahalin. Masarap mag-alaga at alagaan. Hindi ko alam kung ang nararamdaman nila tuwing sila'y nagmamahal ay katulad din ng nararamdaman ko tuwing kasama kita. Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako sa tuwing kasama kita noon. Hindi man ako nakangiti o tumatawa, kampante naman ang pakiramdam ko. Yung tipo bang wala ka nang mahihiling pang iba liban sa mga oras at minutong tayo'y magkasama, tila nais mong patigilin ang pag ikot ng mundo at makulong na lamang sa mga sandaling iyon.

Noon, hindi ako marunong magmahal, at hanggang ngayon hindi ko alam kung minahal nga ba kita. Hindi ko alam kung pagmamahal nga ba ang nararamdaman ko para sa'yo. Sa isang parte ng aking isipan, alam kong mahalaga ka sa akin dahil sa mga panahong tayo'y magkasama, ipinadama mo na mahalaga rin ako sa'yo.

Lumisan ka ng biglaan at naiwan akong nag-iisa, nalilito sa mga pangyayari. Akala ko noon, kung ano man ang nararamdaman ko, nadarama mo rin. Takot akong mawala ka, ngunit bakit hindi ka natakot na mawala ako sa iyo noong iniwan mo ako.

"Sa panaginip na lang pala kita maisasayaw."

Marami nang nangyari, marami na ring nabago. Wala na ang mundong noon ay atin lamang. May kanya-kanya na tayong mundong ginagalawan, ngunit hindi ko pa rin maiwasang balikan ang iniwan nating mundo. Mahirap bitawan ang mga alaala na nagbigay sa'yo ng lubos na kaligayahan.

what would happen once classes start?

But one thing's for sure

Things will never be the same.

Things are starting to sound unusually silent these past few days. he's not texting nor calling for six days now

...and she's not even talking to me in YM.

I wonder what's up.

hindi mo lang alam naiisip kita
baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
hindi mo lang alam hanggang sa gabi
inaasam makita kang muli

nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaahasahang
panahon at ngayon ako'y iyong iniwan
luhaan, sugatan, di mapakinabangan
sana'y nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam
sana'y nagtanong ka lang kung di mo lang alam

ako'y iyong nasakatan
baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
hindi mo lang alam kay tagal na panahon
ako'y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sayo

lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
hindi pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
kung ako'y nagkasala patawad na sana
ang puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

hindi mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
o baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
puro siya na lang... sana'y ako naman
hindi mo lang alam ika'y minamasdan
sana'y iyong mamalayan
hindi mo lang pala alam hindi mo lang alam

kahit tayo'y magkaibigan lang
bumabalik lahat sa tuwing nagkukulitan
baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
ako'y nandito lang hndi mo lang alam
matalino ka naman

kung ikaw at ako ay tunay na bigo
sa laro na ito ay dapat bang sumuko
sana'y di ka na lang pala aking nakilala
kung alam ko lang ako'y masasaktan
narito, sana'y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

hindi mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan
o baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
puro siya na lang.. sana'y ako naman
hindi mo lang alam ika'y minamasdan
sana'y iyong mamalayan
hindi mo lang pala alam

malas mo
ikaw ang natipuhan ko
hindi mo lang alam ako'y iyong nasaktan

I'm using this blog to tell you everything I wanted. But I don't think I would be able to put everything into words because I'm fcuking angry at you at the moment.

No one, especially you, has the right to call me bitch. Why, you ask? For the simple fact that I have never given you any reason to to do so. I'm not making myself look clean or whatever but I am absolutely sure that I haven't done anything to be called as such. Ask anyone who has known me ever since the day I was born and I assure you, not a single soul would ever agree with you. Ever.

Please stop making lies about me and pretending they're the truth. I know I never made it a big deal when you said I'm vain but it pissed me off. What exactly is your definition of vain? Everyone I know gave me a raised eyebrow when I said that you left me because I'm vain. Exactly what part of me is annoyingly vain? Might I remind you that there is a great demarcation line between hygienic vanity and narcissistic vanity, in case you're forgetting.

Back to the bitch issue. Whatever gave you the idea to call me that? You didn't even use the term bitch; you used a more derogatory term synonymous with a cheap prostitute. This is probably the one which confuses me and angered me the most. Do I look cheap to you? Well, excuse me. I may act boyish but I certainly do have delikadesa in everything I do and say, probably much better with any girl you know.

Another thing. Me as an attention-whore? God, have you ever looked into the mirror while saying that?

And finally, degrading me simply because of physical appearance. I say it's more like racism. You deemed me worthless simply because of my skin color. WTF, how low can you get? I never thought you're as narrow-minded as some random fool out in the street, whistling like dog upon seeing a fair-skinned girl.

If ever there's one thing I badly want to do right now, that would be making you eat all the lies you've been spreading against me. I admit, I said foul things about your ex-girlfriend but it wasn't simply because I'm angry or anything; it was how i saw and interpreted the things she had done to me. But you, saying that I'm a bitch, a poser, and an attention-whore without proper basis is beyond words.

It's always a wonder why you never fail to piss me off.

I used to say, I can't let you go like this. You're fragile and hurt, and it pains me to see you like that. I did everything to ease your suffering, to bring you back to the only one who can make you happy, even if I end up hurt in the process. And I succeeded.

I've done my part, and it's more than enough to get you started. I know you're strong enough to stand on your own and you won't be needing me anymore. It's better this way. You must start living your world in your own ways and I'll probably start living my own life again, not a life for somebody else.

So, what am I actually saying? I just wanna bid you farewell. Though It has been a rough journey, it's still nice to know we both learned a lot from it. I hope we won't be making the same mistakes again.

I wish you the happiness you've always wanted.

Don't worry about me, I'll be just fine.

It's weird. I said I'll be by his side and support him but still, I find myself preventing him from growing up. I'm locking him in his childishness, feeding him with sugar-coated lies instead of bitter pills of truth. I prefer seeing him wearing mask as long as he's by my side rather than watch him tear it off just and be himself while leaving me behind.

Now, I get it. I am, indeed, a very selfish person. I don't want other people to love him for who he really is. I want them to hate him for concealing himself so that I alone can love him. I don't want him to grow. I'm afraid of the day that someone would realize his potential and would take him away from me.

I'm so selfish. And I disgust myself.

Copied from Maki

Here are 10 types of boys you should keep away from. If your boy friend falls in any one of these qualities, then leave him before he leaves you -

1. Boy who is using you
- A girl can identify this very easily and quickly. If a boy calls you when he needs you, like for an outing (with friends where his friends are with their respective girlfriends) ginawa ka lang pang "display" on late night parties, long-drives etc. Such boys are not at all trustworthy. So, a girl should we aware of the boys who fall in this category. ~

2. Boy who does not respect you
- Every small thing depicts the real nature of boys. If a boy ignores you in the presence of his friends or he is not talking to you because he feels uncomfortable or shy to talk to you in front of his friends, then he is just playing with your feelings.~

3. Boy who want you to adjust but he won’t do so
- Sometimes boys want their girl friend to be more adjusting and understanding but when it comes to them, they won’t do so. When you ask something they immediately get angry and feel irritated, such boys are bad charactered and you should stay away from them.

4. Boy who is advising you to deceive your parents
– Sometimes boys say certain things, which are indirectly taking a girl against her parents. Boys call their girl friend for a movie and ask them to make any false excuse to their parents. They want a girl to lie to her parents but they don't want a rejection. Such are selfish boys.

5. Boy who abuses you
– Boys talk rudely and harshly with girls. Nothing can be expected from such type of boys.

6. Boy who frequently asks you for a kiss or a hug
– Boys asking for kiss and hug are the boys who only desire for physical activity. Stay away from such boys. Of course kiss and hugs are a part of love life but only if is in a certain limit.

7. Boy who asks you to lose your identity
– Often boys want their girl friends to do this … or that. They impose many restrictions on their girl friend; indirectly putting a condition for you that if you want to be with them, you will have to do as you are asked to do.

8. Boy who avoids giving you a complete answer
– Boys have the habit of giving incomplete answers. Even if you ask them whether they love you or not, they would reply you in a different way but will not give you a true and complete answer. ~

9. Boy who never keeps his promise
– Boys who never keep their promises are not trustworthy. Girl desires for a trustworthy boy. If he loves you, he would try his level best to keep-up his promise.

10. Boy who never says sorry
– Boys think, as they are the superiors. If a boy truly loves a girl, he will never feel insulted in apologizing. If he feels insulted in saying, then don’t insult yourself by being with such a boy.

These are the 10 categories of boys whom you should avoid at any cost. Be the best and choose the best one.

---

I'm not saying he's guilty of ALL of these, but as I was reading this, I can't help but think of him and all of the things he has done.

For example. Number One. "Boy who is using you." I know he's using me, though he isn't saying blatantly, thank god. After all, I couldn't blame him. He asked for my help to begin with and I agreed. Too bad, he won't go anywhere. I just found out some things he should not know or else he might end up killing hurting himself.

I wouldn't want to enumerate anymore. I don't want to blame him for everything.

One thing I still can't understand. After all the things he's done, after all the things I've heard, I still can't bring myself to hate him or even just disregard him. Like what s friend had subtly implied, he isn't worth my suffering. He isn't good looking, and he isn't a great person either. For her, he's not a very honest person, and for another friend, he's a a person of wavering emotions who can't even make his own stand, not to mention his crave for attention from people he likes. I can agree with all of them but most especially with her. I know he's not honest and everything he says all sound like a lie to me now. A friend had already pointed this out but it was she who placed it in the right context. She said he wears mask whenever she's around, and we all know it. He acts as if he is real by acting rude and frank, but that doesn't hide the fact that he's still concealing his face somehow.

I guess, if you would ask me right in the face of anything good about him, I wouldn't be able to answer you anything. It's probably one of the weirdest feeling I've had. Wanting to be with someone whom you can't even be proud of. It's as if after seeing all his flaws, you're still able to look at him as if he's the most perfect creature there is.

Weird eh?

Naisip ko lang. Bakit pag involve siya, ang dami kong nasasabi? Kasi, kung ikukumpara mo sa ibang entry ko dun sa isa kong blog, ang iikli ng mga entry tapos masyadong fixated sa isang topic. Pero pag tungkol sa kanya, kumbaga, nag-eevolve yung topic.

Sige nga, try natin. Ang topic natin ngayon ay nung kinuwento ko sa pinsan ko yung nangyari sa aming dalawa noon, kung saan nagsimula at kung paano natapos. Sabi niya, sa paningin ng isang normal na tao, kung hindi daw talaga kami, mako-consider na kami na nasa M.U. (mutual understanding) stage. Kung titingnan mo nga naman, mapagkakamalan mo nga naman na kami. Laging magkasama at magkausap. Sobrang sweet daw, may akbay na nga, may holding hands pa. May mga pasimpleng yakap pa nga eh. Nasabi na nga ng isa kong kakilala na baka. S.O. (or secret on) na daw kami. Pareho naman naming tinanggi yun.

Hay, ayoko nang ulit-ulitin ang kwentong eto. Medyo sawa na rin ako. Pakiramdam ko nga, sa tuwing kinukwento ko ito sa ibang tao, niloloko ko lang ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng paniniwala na minsan, sa mga panahong iyon, minahal niya ako katumbas nang kung gaano ko din siya minahal. Ang drama ano?

Pero kung tutuusin din naman. Ako rin naman ang may kasalan. Nag-assume ako at hindi ako nagtanong. Naging kampante ako sa kung ano ang nararamdaman ko, at hindi ko na naisip na kumpirmahin pa iyon dahil ayoko rin namang magkahiyaan at magkailangan. Akala ko, sapat na kung ano ang nararamdaman namin para sa isa’t isa. Hindi pala.

Matapos ang halos limang buwan naming hindi pag-uusap, nagka-ayos din naman kami. Siguro, mahal ko pa rin talaga siya kaya ko rin nagawang kausapin pa siya, pero pinapalabas ko sa lahat na ang pagkakaayos naming ay dahil lamang sa isang report sa isang klase namin.

Nung araw na iyon, naitanong ko sa kanya. Ano nga ba talaga yung last sem? Ano ba talaga yung namagitan sa amin nung mga panahong iyon? At narinig ko ang pinakakinakatakutan kong sagot. – “hindi talaga ako nagka-gusto sayo.” Oo, sinabi niya iyon. Sabi niya, kaya daw siya naging malapit sa akin nun ay dahil nalaman niya na lilipat na ako ng Diliman at naisip niya na konti na lang ang panahon na makakasama niya ako. Inaamin kong hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin iyon pinaniniwalaan. Para kasi sa akin, masyadong pa ring maraming nangyari noon para lamang sa isang ganoong kababaw na dahilan. Kaso, wala na rin naman akong magagawa. Sawa na akong magpaliwanag sa kung ano ang naging interpretasyon ko noon. Wala na akong lakas ng loob para ipaglaban pa yung nararamdaman ko. Wala na akong nagawa kundi tanggapin na lamang ang dahilang iyon.

Akala ko, kapag nalaman ko na kung ano talaga yung nararamdaman niya sa akin, titigilan ko na siya. Kaso, kahit gustuhin ko nang tumigil at manahimik, ako naman itong ayaw niyang patahimikin. Sa totoo lang, ayoko nang pag-isipan pa yung mga sumunod na nangyari, pero paano ko siya ipapaliwanag? Ewan ko ba sa kanya kung ano ang gusto niyang palabasin. Alam kong nahihirapan siya sa mga nangyayari sa kanya at alam ko rin na pumayag akong damayan siya, pero bakit niya kelangang gawin iyon? Noong araw na iyon, nagyaya siya mag-kape sa Studio One, at libre daw niya. Naisip ko na baka kailangan lang niya nang kausap kaya pumayag ako. Nag-usap kami tungkol sa mga bagay-bagay na nakapaligid sa amin, at sa mga sandaling iyon, parang bumalik yung dati. Yung pakiramdam na masaya at kampante ako dahil kasama ko siya, kahit wala naman talaga kaming pinag-uusapan. Tapos, pagkatapos naming mag-kape, naglakad lakad kami hanggang sa makarating kami sa dorm ko. Tumambay muna kami at nung paakyat na ako, hinalikan niya ako sa may noo, sabay sabi na, “I wish you good fortune.” Natulala ako, ngunit hindi ko alam kung alam niya. Nung mga panahong iyon, gusto ko nang umiyak pero alam kong wala na rin namang mangyayari. Mas maganda na kung hindi ko na iyon bibigyan ng malisya, baka masktan na naman ako.

Hindi ko na sana iyon bibigyang-pansin pa nang naulit muli ang nangyari. Sa ikalawang pagkakataon, hinalikan na niya ako, ngayon naman ay sa labi. Hindi ko na rin alam kung bakit ko rin nagawang hayaan siyang gawin yun, marahil dala lamang ng emosyon. Sa loob ko, may namuong pag-asa, na daglian naman niyang pinutol sa pagsabi ng “Ginawa ko iyon dahil kaibigan kita.” Masakit isiping nagawa niya iyon kahit kaibigan lang ang tingin niya sa akin. Nung mga oras na iyon wala na akong maisagot. Ano pa nga ba ang sasabihin ko? Alangan namang ipaglaban ko pa, kaya’t sinagot ko na lang siya ng “Oo, alam ko.” Ibinaon na lamang namin sa biruan at asaran ang nakabibinging katahimikang sumunod doon. Ilang araw din naming hindi yun pinag usapan, sa dami ba naman nang kailangang asikasuhin nung linggong iyon, wala na rin kaming oras para isipin pa yun. Ngunit nang matapos lahat ng trabaho, bumalik na naman sa akin ang nangyari at nanghihingi ng paliwanag. Alam kong wala na rin patutunguhan kong mananahimik ako, kaya naman humingi ako ng sagot kahit alam kong masasaktan lang ako sa kung anu man ang sasabihin niya. At yun nga ang nangyari. Dala na rin marahil ng sitwasyon, inakala niyang yung taong mahal niya ang kasama niya at hindi ako Humingi siya nang tawad, hindi daw niya sinasadyang mangyari yun. Wala na rin akong magagawa kundi patawarin siya. Sino pa ba ang sisisihin ko? Pareho naman naming hindi inaasahan na ganoon yung mangyayari at alam kong mas malaki ang dapat isisi sa akin.

Naitanong tuloy ng pinsan ko, ano raw ang gagawin ko kung magparamdam siya ulit. Noong una, tinatawan ko na lang yun. Sinasabi ko na sawa na ako at ayaw ko nang maulit pa yung mga pangyayari. Sa tuwing isasagot ko iyon, hindi ko naman talaga iniisip na mangyayari iyon. Malabo, mahal na mahal niya siya eh. Pero paano nga kaya kung mangyari iyon? Kung lumapit siya sa akin at humingi ng pagkakataon, ano nga ba ang gagawin ko? Mahirap gumawa ng sitwasyon nang hindi mo kalkulado ang mga mangyayari, ngunit sa minsanang pag ninilay ko, nakaisip ako ng maaring mangyari. Kung sakaling mangyari iyon, at may nararamdaman pa rin ako sa kanya, mas gusto ko munang itago kung ano man ang maaaring mamagitan sa amin. Masyado nang maraming tao ang nadamay, naasar, nairita, at nasaktan sa mga naging aksyon namin. Mas makabubuti na siguro na itago muna naming ang lahat hanggang sa makapagtapos na kami at makaalis na kami sa unibersidad, malayo sa mga taong naapektuhan namin.

Hindi ko pa rin maialis na umasa kahit na alam kong wala na itong mararating. Mahirap pakawalan ang isang napakagandang pangarap para sa isang mapait na katotohanan.

"Qng ssbhn q sau na ya0i naicp q na thesis, wud u be my thesis partner?"


06:16:09pm.03-29-08

This entry was previously posted at my other LJ account, around four months ago. I believe this is when everything started to fall into pieces, so I guess it is just right that this is where I should start this journey.

To those who happen to stumble upon this somewhat twisted journal and have absolutely no idea
what this is all about, you're the most welcome. Somehow, this whole fiasco left me doubtful of everyone around me, and being myself around them doesn't feel anything like good anymore. Or you could say that they're all fed up with all the drama shit I was endlessly blabbering about.

That's why I created this journal, to keep all this dark and twisted drama shit away from my standard blog. I have some really nice friends over at my other LJ account, and I don't want to ruin their life by putting hate entries in there. So I'm dumping all of them here.

One more thing, this journal is entirely dedicated to him, the person I really wanted to blame for everything but couldn't bring myself to. Though we are in speaking terms, this is where I'll be posting things I really want to say that I couldn't tell him - all my thoughts, opinions, etc on things related to both of us.

And yes, deep in heart, I wish that someday he would stumble upon here.

---

What if, you don’t believe in love?
Then, someone teaches you how.
Then, you fall for him and you believe.
But, what if he’s not suppose to love you,
Only to teach you.

I should’ve seen this coming. When I look back, I realize that I have already foreseen this before it even began. I was such a fool to play along, indulging myself deeper. Though I have constantly reminded myself that I have to put an end to it, to clear things up, my id just gets in the way, satisfying itself with affections denied from me ever since.

You left me hanging from the thread we once swung from together
 -Goodnight, Maroon 5

            And just when I was getting used to all those affections, that is when he decided to end it all without apparent reason. He purposely made a gap between us, and prevented me or anyone else from bridging the distance that is slowly separating us apart. Call me naïve, call me insensitive but it took me over a month to realize that the detachment is becoming quite destructive. I was left confused, by his actions and my emotions. And at that time, I didn’t have the courage to talk, to speak up, and least of all, to confront him. I was afraid that my assumption would be disproved and thrown straight to my face. I was afraid of rejection.

            I’ve let time put everything into its proper places, I never did anything. I thought that this would simply pass, that doing nothing could actually make everything seem fine. But I was wrong. As each day passes, I just found myself longing more and more of him and the times we shared together. All the affections, all the attention, all of those seem to be just a dream I could never fall asleep into again. The more I tried to hold on to those memories, the faster they slip away through my fingers.

             After a series of talks, advices, frustrations, disappointments, and motivation from my friends, I decided to confront him. Perhaps, it was the most difficult thing to do: Confronting a person who doesn’t want to be confronted, asking for a talk when avoiding the talk is what he’s been doing all along. Unanswered text messages almost brought me to the verge of giving up, if it wasn’t for his initiative.

             So we talked, and talked more for more than an hour. And when I thought that talking is the way to settle things with him, it left me more confused than ever. Will I still have to hold on or do I have to let go already? Time can tell, he says. He left me with no choice but to say, “I can wait…but not forever.”